Saturday, August 15, 2009

have you ever?

Have you ever just realized you were going to die one day? That you will no longer be a contributing factor to this earth? I hate when I do this. I think it is because I am such a control freak. The fact I can't control when I go to see my maker makes me have panic attacks. I know I am a big freak. I guess I need to figure out how to live a fullfilled life. Maybe I should get rid of my control issues while I am at it.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

do a little dance, spread a little love, thank God tonight

Thank you lord for keeping a person not pregnant. I know this may seem dumb but not intended to. My little sis should not even contemplate having children until she is in her 30's. Maybe then she will be a grown up. I love my sis. She just is not mature enough to have kids. I think that maybe she wants to be pregnant cause her best friend is. Why on earth do these young girls want to have babies? They have so much to live for now. They should be wild and crazy,until they are mature enough to handle it.

is praying for someone to not get what they bad?

Ok freaking out here. Just thinking about someone who can't take care of themselves possibly being pregnant. I am praying that they are not. Is that bad? I don't think the child will get a fair shake and even more afraid what if that baby wakes up their mommy what will she do. She has no patience and no job. Half the time I see her she is dirty and her teeth have not been brushed forever. I am too scared to think about it. no I am going to just pray that she is not pregnant that is all I can do.

Monday, August 10, 2009

burn or baby

I wonder what is wrong with me? I have so much to do, yet I am still laying on the couch. My burn on my back itches. I feel so tired still. I am stressed out that my oldest baby is going to be a junior in high school. Could that be why I am so tired. Depressed and tired of my children getting older.

Monday, August 3, 2009

why cant I

Why can't I take care of myself? Why does it seem to be a such a hard job? Why can't I eat better foods? Why can't I cut down on pop? Why do I have to be up at 4:30 am choking on stomach acid?

I thought I was tough. That I could do anything. So strong. I could take care of myself when pregnant so the baby who is 4y/o could be born without diabetes. I just can't do it for myself. Maybe I don't like myself enough, like I love unconditionally my children. I say hey today is the day. Gonna take of myself nope still haven't. I need to find a way to like myself better so that I never again have to blog from the toilet so early in the day.........

Friday, May 22, 2009

emotional rollercoaster

Well here I am five minutes alone. As much as I complain about not having any time to myself, I realized that is why I want more kids(not really) and or dogs. Don't want to be alone.

Anyways, I am coming off of concerta. My doc suggested to wean myself off and I did what he said but since the med is a narcotic and they won't give me anymore until my hirty days runs out and you can't chew or cut them, we had to get creative. My physical body is doing well. My eyes and my head are not. My eyes or the lids I should are having a tough time staying open. My head feels like someone keeps kickng me. This is day two of no pills. I am suppose to take one tomorrow but the way I feel now, I just want the shit over with. Anyways I am done and I am a bawling baby. Have a great night and long weekend. Thinking of all my friends. Kiss kiss.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

at peace

It has been a long time since I have been on here. It is ten pm and I am outside with the dogs and the quiet. 16 year old is sick very sick. She can hardly move. 4 year old is on the couch watching yo gabba gabba. Despite a lot of frustration I am feeling one with God and myself. I find that when I really breathe in nature and just shut up. I feel much closer to God. I have always been that way. I need a church that worships GOD in the evening and very quietly. Then I feel like I understand him and his great majesty. I came out there is a great breeze/slight wind, perfect temp for my long sleeves and pj pants,and just absolutely quiet. All the dogs are even sitting at my feet. It is the most beautiful night. Well I am going to finish enjoying it before my children or dogs have a say. Just wanted to share. Very happy now.