have you ever?

Have you ever just realized you were going to die one day? That you will no longer be a contributing factor to this earth? I hate when I do this. I think it is because I am such a control freak. The fact I can't control when I go to see my maker makes me have panic attacks. I know I am a big freak. I guess I need to figure out how to live a fullfilled life. Maybe I should get rid of my control issues while I am at it.

do a little dance, spread a little love, thank God tonight

Thank you lord for keeping a person not pregnant. I know this may seem dumb but not intended to. My little sis should not even contemplate having children until she is in her 30's. Maybe then she will be a grown up. I love my sis. She just is not mature enough to have kids. I think that maybe she wants to be pregnant cause her best friend is. Why on earth do these young girls want to have babies? They have so much to live for now. They should be wild and crazy,until they are mature enough to handle it.

is praying for someone to not get what they bad?

Ok freaking out here. Just thinking about someone who can't take care of themselves possibly being pregnant. I am praying that they are not. Is that bad? I don't think the child will get a fair shake and even more afraid what if that baby wakes up their mommy what will she do. She has no patience and no job. Half the time I see her she is dirty and her teeth have not been brushed forever. I am too scared to think about it. no I am going to just pray that she is not pregnant that is all I can do.

burn or baby

I wonder what is wrong with me? I have so much to do, yet I am still laying on the couch. My burn on my back itches. I feel so tired still. I am stressed out that my oldest baby is going to be a junior in high school. Could that be why I am so tired. Depressed and tired of my children getting older.

why cant I

Why can't I take care of myself? Why does it seem to be a such a hard job? Why can't I eat better foods? Why can't I cut down on pop? Why do I have to be up at 4:30 am choking on stomach acid?

I thought I was tough. That I could do anything. So strong. I could take care of myself when pregnant so the baby who is 4y/o could be born without diabetes. I just can't do it for myself. Maybe I don't like myself enough, like I love unconditionally my children. I say hey today is the day. Gonna take of myself nope still haven't. I need to find a way to like myself better so that I never again have to blog from the toilet so early in the day.........

emotional rollercoaster

Well here I am five minutes alone. As much as I complain about not having any time to myself, I realized that is why I want more kids(not really) and or dogs. Don't want to be alone.


Anyways, I am coming off of concerta. My doc suggested to wean myself off and I did what he said but since the med is a narcotic and they won't give me anymore until my hirty days runs out and you can't chew or cut them, we had to get creative. My physical body is doing well. My eyes and my head are not. My eyes or the lids I should are having a tough time staying open. My head feels like someone keeps kickng me. This is day two of no pills. I am suppose to take one tomorrow but the way I feel now, I just want the shit over with. Anyways I am done and I am a bawling baby. Have a great night and long weekend. Thinking of all my friends. Kiss kiss.

at peace

It has been a long time since I have been on here. It is ten pm and I am outside with the dogs and the quiet. 16 year old is sick very sick. She can hardly move. 4 year old is on the couch watching yo gabba gabba. Despite a lot of frustration I am feeling one with God and myself. I find that when I really breathe in nature and just shut up. I feel much closer to God. I have always been that way. I need a church that worships GOD in the evening and very quietly. Then I feel like I understand him and his great majesty. I came out there is a great breeze/slight wind, perfect temp for my long sleeves and pj pants,and just absolutely quiet. All the dogs are even sitting at my feet. It is the most beautiful night. Well I am going to finish enjoying it before my children or dogs have a say. Just wanted to share. Very happy now.

new weight blog

Tomorrow I will be setting up new blog for keeping track of weight loss. I think instead of it being just for me maybe we could have people post on their weightloss or how they are having trouble with weight loss. Kind of like weight watchers and ediet. People can add recipes or advice. Concerns or even say I had a hormonal day so I ate 6lbs of chocolate and shit most of the next day.

Just let me know what you think. Today was day 1.
Breakfast:2 packages of oatmeal
Snack: banana
Lunch: PBJ sandwich
Snack: banana, chocolate brownie, handful of chocolate chips
Supper: fat free ravioli 2 pieces of bread and butter.
Snack: little debbie snack cake
Liquids 45 ounces of water, 1.5 cans of diet coke, 1 full can of pepsi, 1% milk
Start weight was 232
Positive note: I did not get robbed in the middle of the night.

time for change

I have watched a friend turn towards a yucky path that I have been traveling many years. I don't like being on this path but it is extremely hard to turn onto a new one. Now that I see a young girl is following that path, I feel I need to change my path in life and strive for something better.

How can I honestly give any advice or try to say it is going to get better. I don't try real hard to make things better in my life. I just let one day follow another, and hope I can muster up something that resembles life. That is not right and or fair. So needless to say for myself and the chance to say if can do it so can you to my friend. I know from past experience I will stop what I am doing with an exceptable excuse. This is where I need my blogging friends and my nonblogging friends to help me. Give me a little crap when I don't do what I should be doing. Obviously noone can make me do something I am not going to do, but you are more than welcome to make feel guilty. So now the plan:

Every morning I am going to find other reasons besides my children to get up. Right now most of my existence has been about my children. I should be finding other things that I enjoy for myself, my children will not live with me forever if I have done half the job in which I should have. I am also going to work on my appearance some. By this I am going to eat smaller portions and going to the gym 3 times a week by myself.(Or with workout buddies)
I will enjoy the outdoors as much as possible and enjoy the time with my children as much as I can when I able to get this down as big as it seems to me, I will add more. So I hope you guys are with me and you will help. I understand that things happen but my emotional and physical well being does not understand and it is time to change the stinkin thinking I have had for so many years. I will keep track onhere every night before bed. If I can keep my eye open that long. Lolololol

Forgot

While sitting here waiting to get 16 y/o tire fixed, I forgot what I wanted to blog about. At least the sun is shining. I also was able to see an old friend that I have not talked to in years, while sitting here.

I have been having a little low time with the depression, but the last few days have helped. The sun and warmth help me beyond what I can tell you. I knitted a teddy bear and I should have taken a picture, but didn't my sis-n-law is going to take a pic for me then I will post it.

The children still make me crazy,but I wouldn't trade them for nothing. Cohabitant was throwing a tyrade last night, because he was trying to air spray paint his rc car and it kept clogging and he couldn't figure out why. I said something and he said he wasnt throwing a fit over a toy. So 13y/o bonus daughter and 4y/o daughter sat there and counted and laughed at all the times he was not throwing a fit over his toy. Big baby. 16y/o said boy is it tense in here. I redid my living room, so it would be more relaxing and resemble me and my style instead of cohabitants. Well the good sides are the older girls like to come out there more because it more relaxing, and it is just an all over warm relaxing environment. The downside is it is too relaxing. I have great ambitions about cleaning it,then when I get there to relaxed to do anything. At least that is the excuse I am using until it doesn't work anymore.

friends

I just want to say how grateful I am for my family. As I am sitting here my 16 y/o just sprayed my mommy with the sink hose. Then my mommy came in and dumped a huge pan of water on my sister and 16 y/o then my mommy soaked 16 y/o with the sink hose. She is now in her older cousins room changing. I feel utterly blessed that I have such a great and close nit family.

Here is where I am going to talk about my friends. Now I feel like I can be hard to get along with, not that I am not nice, but I have a tendency of saying things that can be taken two ways and one is good and that is the way I generally mean it. Now I have lots of people that I have conversations with, but few that I consider friends. There are even fewer that I consider so close that to me they are family. How often do u have friends that you share family gatherings and your family even extended members get confused that they aren't really family. With that being said when a friend is as close as family and they choose to be there where as family is by luck. I always say that I have no luck, but I now realize that I used up all my luck when I was born into my family. I also realize that through the years I have also used a ton of luck through my invincible teenage years. Now even though I am running low on luck, I sure have been lucky to have friends that I have now, and the women in the GNI sisterhood. I also feel very fortunate that two of those girls and their families are my family and it is by choice and not the luck of the draw. Don't worry I know it really has nothing to do with luck but by God's grace and wisdom. Thank you friends and family for what you do and don't do for me, I really do appreciate it all!!!

I love my kids, I love my kids!!!!!

Hello anyone who reads this. Maybe someone out there can please remind me that my teenager in all actuality will grow up to be a fine and wonderful person. I keep thinking that she could be worse, she could be doing drugs and alcohol. She could be doing things that I can't even imagine. She is a good kid, I am proud of her, she does well in school, and she can be counted on when needed. The trouble is she thinks she is above rules and guidelines. She feels that I am somehow beneath her and what I say doesn't matter and is subject to arguement. I will always argue but she trys to wear me down so I will give in. This doesn't work, what does work is that I can't hold a grudge nor do I remember that I told her she is grounded for the next ten years and not follow through with it. I know my weaknesses, my problem is I feel she is too old and should no better to take advantage of my weaknesses. When should kids quit taking advantage of their sleep deprived, over worked, can't remember crap parents?

Now (4) year old who lives to not listen to me was very brave friday. She had her cousin who is 2 come over and play. They played very well together which is unusual in itself. Well my niece rode with 4 year old and myself on the bus. Well my 4 is terrified of flys, so is my niece. There was a fly on the bus window and the niece flipped out. 4 y/o instead of freaking out too, she got tough and try to shoo it away, then eventually took off her shoe to try and kill it. I was so impressed that she put her fears aside to help her little cousin out.

Have a beautiful day!!!

pffst

Yeah it is Friday!!!! I am so ready for bed already and it is only 7pm. Well I said I would have some simple solutions to our economic crisis for the average american. I suggest looking past at the crap we see on the news and going back to the basics.

What am I talking about (wish I knew) We have to stop depending on what other people decide to protect our families. So I am going to start garden, then I am going to get my energy from the sun and wind. I will also be getting heat from solar and possibly geothermal heating. I am penny pinching every step of the way. Don't worry, I have children and they keep will my money in circulation and I have yet to put my money into a matress(well in all actuality my matress cost more than I have so cutting it up to put change in it is dumb and not all that comfy).

Well today I went to dq and got myself a chocolate extreme blizzard with peanut butter. What does that mean "hormones".
I also am going to start a new knitting project. When I get it done I will take snap shots for all to see. I don't care I am going to bed. I have some awesome gardening ideas from books I have been reading. As I start gardening I will keep this blog full of stuff I try and keep track of what works and doesn't. Blah blah blah blah blah

complaints

I have decided to give this blogging thing a go. I read some of my friends' blogs. They are so articulate. Not me. I also stink at editing what I write. No formalities here!

Now for my complaints, I feel that although our government is trying to help the current economic crisis, I personally don't want them all that involved. It used to be it meant something to be voted into office, not so much any more. These politicians always have to have money to run and those that get big money owe some kind of favors to someone. Therefore they are not working for only those that voted them in, but also those who have donated to them. I don't know about anyone else, but I would rather have my tax dollars going towards those who will be losing jobs and not the bank officials who need a million dollar bonus. I would like to see politicians have to spend their own money and resources to campaign or set a cap of how much they can use. The amount that Obama had was like in the gazillions, how many houses could have been saved with that how many jobs could have been saved. It is not just Obama it is all politicians. I pray that ourprez comes up with some non pork ideas how we americans can get out of the poo hole we are in with this economy. Save jobs not bankers. I don't just come in and make complaints, I have ideas how us average no edumacated people can make things easier on our pocket books if you have one still.

Teenagers are so much fun. When your parental figure in your life says they curse you with kids just like you, they flippin mean it. If you are still young with no children call your parental figures and ask for forgiveness maybe just maybe they will lift the awful curse of children just like you. I leave my hair with the gray to show off my trophies of stress caused by my children. The funny thing is I am not as worried about when 16 y/o moving outing in two years, because she is so full of attitude and has to have things her way that noone will ever be able to take advantage of her.

just checking

I am seeing if this works or not, we will see.